EASY THERE, GREEN LANTERN
The Fiver didn’t get where it is today having emotional attachments to Wrexham. We’ve never been there, couldn’t point to it on a map and wouldn’t know the meandering River Clywedog if we fell into it and banged our head off a rock, only to come around to the sound of Micky Thomas regaling us with the story of that time he scored a terrific free-kick for Wrexham to help knock Arsenal out of the FA Cup. Luckily for the Welsh town and its football team, not everyone is as indifferent as The Fiver and the fairly recent revelation that Hollywood actors Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney were interested in buying the club prompted much head-scratching bewilderment among folk wondering what in tarnation it was that might have got a pair of heartthrobs with no apparent connection to one of the UK’s oldest sides interested in ploughing £2m into the National League club. “Why Wrexham?” they were asked. “Why not Wrexham?” came the reply. So that clears that up, then.
Having seen their initial interest understandably well received by 95% of the Wrexham Supporters’ Trust, Deadpool and Mac from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia confirmed their plans on Sunday in a Zoom meeting with intrigued fans, saying they hope to make the club “a global force”. And while you can’t fault them for ambition and breezy optimism, The Fiver can’t help but think most Wrexham supporters would settle – initially at least – for the duo making their club a Welsh force. “We want to be at the Racecourse Ground as much as possible – as many games as I can make,” cheered Reynolds. “We want to have a pint with the fans. You’ll be fed up of us! We want to be great ambassadors for the club, to introduce the club to the world.”
The two went on to outline a blueprint for how they would go about catapulting Wrexham into the global footballing elite, issuing a crowd-pleasing mission statement that stressed the importance of community inclusion, the multi-millionaire actors not being in it for the money, beating rivals Chester on a regular basis and staging the occasional Tom Jones concert at a refurbished Racecourse Ground. “We hope you’ll put your trust in us, because we’ll work every day, for as long as you’ll have us, to ensure the world knows that Wrexham is the name,” it concluded, with no little charm.
Fan-owned since 2011, the WST will now ask members to vote for or against Reynolds and McElhenney completing their takeover, with a vote of 75% in favour needed for the resolution to be approved … unless Donald Trump throws a hissy-fit, orders them to “stop the count” and threatens legal action. On the subject of ill-tempered tyrants, one suspects that, unlike those behind the rather more high-profile Newcastle takeover mooted earlier this year, Ryan and Rob’s attempted purchase will almost certainly be waved through with a minimum of fuss … unless of course it emerges the duo have extremely unlikely “previous” in the field of human rights abuses, war crimes and other unpleasantness, at which point the lazy, biased, London-centric, famously anti-Wrexham media may begin sharpening their quills.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“What a day. Just gutted no fans and even more gutted no pubs open to get absolutely walloped in” – goalkeeping coach Craig Dootson reflects on a major FA Cup away upset as Wigan were ushered out by his National League North side, who then promptly celebrated with a singalong to Adele. Chorley FC, coming in your ears!
Premier League highs and panenka lows
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“With Rudy Guiliani appearing like Weird Uncle Fiver on strong Tin outside a local garden centre, how soon can we expect post-match interviews to come from supermarket car parks and under the flyover of the M4?” – Brendan Donnelly.
“I never thought I would live to see the defensive incompetence that was Sunderland circa 2003 (three own goals in one half) ever surpassed, but after going 1-0 up at Valencia on Sunday, each of Real Madrid’s back four (Marcelo, Raphaël Varane, Sergio Ramos and Lucas Vázquez) scored an own goal or gave away a penalty in their 4-1 loss. Madrid couldn’t even let Sunderland have that one record, could they” – Noble Francis.
“Getting Gunnersaurus to pay Mesut Özil’s speeding fine for him (Friday’s Fiver letters) is a fine solution, but maybe a short-term one. Could Mesut not employ the terrible (yet cuddly) lizard as a driver for the length of any driving ban? It’s a lucky break in truth because had the Big G been modelled on a T Rex he wouldn’t have been able to reach the steering wheel” – Scott Blair.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Samuel Eto’o escaped uninjured from a head-on collision with a bus when travelling in a 4×4 in Cameroon.
Brass-necked Premier League chief suit Richard Masters reckons a £250m coronavirus bailout for EFL clubs would not be the best use of “scarce” funds.
Steam is whistling out of Jürgen Klopp’s ears after claiming a hectic schedule may lead to the Euros being decimated by knack. “If we continue like this let’s see which players can be part of that,” he roared. “Trent [Alexander-Arnold] will be out for England. He is not the first and will not be the last.”
Meanwhile, Mikel Arteta would happily make Arsenal play two games in 24 hours to erase the memory of the 3-0 home thrashing by Aston Villa. “I didn’t see my team out there,” he sighed.
Inter chief suit Giuseppe Marotta believes clubs should boycott internationals amid a second wave of coronavirus infections. “Yes, I mean it,” he roared. “I propose we all stop for 15 days, set clear and equal regulations, and then we start again.”
And The Fiver’s head is still hurting after trying to piece together how Crawley Town won 6-5 at Torquay United in the FA Cup first round, directed by Christopher Nolan.
STILL WANT MORE?
“A year ago I didn’t even know what GOAT meant.” Arsenal’s Vivianne Miedema gets her chat on with Suzanne Wrack.
Barney Ronay doffs his cap to Manchester City and Liverpool for the high-speed bare knuckle tactical duel they produced on Sunday.
Why is football so blind to the knack caused by a remorseless schedule, asks floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Dortmund were good, but not good enough in Der Klassiker, so says Andy Brassell.
Lazio found some joy against Juve but Covid-19 test turmoil may mean trouble ahead, warns Nicky Bandini.
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