h yes! For the Mill, this is as good as it gets. After the unadulterated joy of Sunday’s shellackings, transfer deadline day comes careering into view like a whisky chaser on the back of a pint of mild. The inflatable dildos, the car windows, the panic-buys, the last-minute hijack, the missing paperwork, the unlikely Galacticos and the Peter Odemwingie 125-mile drives. This is what we live for, so where better place to start than your friend and ours, Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting.
The Mill has shared an agent with the Cameroon striker ever since his Mr 15% persuaded Paris Saint-Germain to pluck his client from Stoke reserves after they were relegated to the Championship in 2018. Two years, not many goals and possibly the worst miss of all time later, Choupo-Moting is on the cusp of another stunning deadline-day move, this time to Bayern Munich. The 31-year-old is a free agent after his contract at the Champions League runners up expired, but no matter as the winners like the cut of his jib and have offered him a gig as Robert Lewandowski’s back up.
Manchester United will get over their Tottenham nightmare by finalising deals for Alex Telles and Edinson Cavani. When Luke Shaw called for new signings he probably didn’t mean a replacement left-back but the Sun say the Brazilian has “arrived at Old Trafford in the back of a car” after Ed Woodward agreed an £18m fee with Porto.
United are racing against the clock to make Jonathan Wilson happy by making it a triple deadline day swoop with the signing of either Ousmane Dembélé or Jadon Sancho. It is unlikely the England winger’s Covid-19 breach will affect Borussia Dortmund’s no-deal stance on Sancho, but “confidence is rising” that Dembélé will arrive on loan. The 23-year-old winger has played 52 games since 2017 but Big Ed may be the man to persuade him to put down his Play Station and take the Old Trafford millions.
Memphis Depay has agreed personal terms with Barcelona and could seal a move today, according to Lyon‘s sporting director Juninho Pernambucano. But Arsenal’s bid to prise away Hossem Aouar for a pittance looks to be dead in the water after the midfielder scored the equaliser in Lyon’s 1-1 draw with Marseille on Sunday then told Telefoot La Chaine he is staying at his hometown club. “I felt that I could still bring things to this team and the club, the club that raised me,” he said. Instead the Gunners may trigger Thomas Partey’s release clause, or send 30m big ones the way of old friends Lille for 21-year-old Boubakary Soumaré.
Those moves depend on Arsenal raising funds and space in their squad and after being sent to Coventry by Mikel Arteta, a year in Berlin looks like a mighty fine proposition for Matteo Guendouzi. The France Under-21 midfielder will spend the season thinking about his behaviour at Hertha after the Gunners were unable to persuade anyone to take him on a permanent deal. Guendouzi may line up alongside Marko Grujic in the Hertha midfield, with the Bundesliga hoping Liverpool will loan the Serbian back to them for a third season. West Ham are also keen on Grujic, or anyone else who won’t reject them.
Tottenham will make one final push to sign Milan Skriniar from Internazionale. Daniel Levy has so far failed to meet the £50m asking fee for the Slovakia centre-back and the Italian giants don’t want to negotiate. Negotiating with Levy is never advisable. Antonio Rüdiger will be making the opposite trip from London to Milan if Inter’s city rivals can agree a loan deal for Chelsea’s best, but least wanted, centre-half.